ILLINIWrestlingBlog

I hope that everybody gets that this is satire and not true, although there are some true facts in it. For instance, the bugs, and Sumo did become an important Japanese sport in 642 A.D. because Empress Kōgyoku first held a tournament that year. It really is the national sport of Japan today. Also, it is a true fact that Mongolian wrestlers wear what looks like disco boots on their feet and extension cords around their waist. It is not true that God should bless everybody except the Muslims. Those folks are actually pretty cool. Peace. It was originally posted at The ILLINI Wrestling Blog and Forum and Beyond. Come for the wrestling, stay for the pizza! Photo credits to the University of ILLINOIS Athletic Department, Intermat.com, Tony Rotundo, NBC News, Wired, AL.com, Japan Guide, Dailymotion, War Tribe Gear, Hammacher Schlemmer (for the hotel robe), Addix Sportswear, History Extra, and the Daily Mail.

This is the time of the silly season when people start asking whether there is anything about wrestling that shouldn’t be changed. Should the NCAA adopt a push-out rule? Why are opponents always human? If eye pokes were good enough for the Three Stooges, why aren’t they good enough for Penn State? And so on. Singlets are always brought up. Why not two pieces? Why do we have to wear this, this thing when it looks so silly? What will my girlfriend think? Well, wrestling fans, it’s because you don’t know the strange and wonderful and patriotic history of the Singlet. 400 MILLION B.C. The first singlets were worn by bugs, beetle-like insects to be exact, and these beetles used their own feces to coat themselves. (See Fig. 1 below). It was a genius albeit smelly way to protect themselves from attack. They didn’t cover up their naughty bits because of any puritan moral code; no, it was so other bugs wouldn’t eat their naughty bits (and the rest of them). Still other bugs, such as the Junk Bug and the Assassin Bug, covered themselves with the dead bodies of insects they had eaten. (Fig. 2). So, the history of the singlet begins with poo and dead bug parts. It would get better. 100,000 B.C. About this time humans began to wear the skins of animals to protect themselves from the cold and during fights. We know this because even back then there were kid brothers, and it has always been necessary to wrestle kid brothers to the ground and **** with them. Maybe stick a wet finger in his humongous Cro-Magnon ear, or wedge his animal skin up his butt crack. We don’t know this for certain because back then humans were amazingly stupid and couldn’t write or post on Tik Tok, but it seems pretty likely that the first human singlet was made of deer, bison or antelope pelts. Very smelly, but not nearly as smelly as your own feces. Progress! 2,000 B.C. The Greeks set the singlet back a thousand years. Their singlet wasn’t made of fabric or animal skin or anything like that; their singlet was made of oil. Transparent slippery oil. That was it. They still do that, sort of. (Figs. 3 & 4). Imagine having to wrestle an entire match as David Taylor against the sweatiest J’Den Cox ever. It would be years and years until humans realized that some naughty bits might could be covered up. It would take the singlet to move wrestling from the pornographic arts to the martial arts. 642 A.D. It was during this year that Sumo became an important institution in Japan. Today, it is the country’s national sport, even though practitioners wear colored silken diapers and pony tails. (Fig. 5). As you will see in the next paragraph, Asia really **** the bed when it comes to wrestling kit. 1,200 A.D. Genghis Khan got a propaganda boost from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, but he was actually pretty power mad and had a large army—called the Mongol hordes—that attacked other people and took their land and valuables. He also instituted wrestling practices and matches to keep his army combat ready. That was better than practicing with a PlayStation because a PlayStation does not improve a soldier’s cardiovascular health one bit. Especially if there is a bag of potato chips and a Mountain Dew nearby. What the Mongols wore during their practices and competitions isn’t entirely certain. Have you tried talking to a Mongol? They speak an entirely different language! In any event, we know the traditional wrestling uniform because they still use it today: Disco boots, short shorts, an ill-fitting shirt that covers mostly nothing, and an extension cord wrapped around their waists. (Fig. 6). Luckily, neither Genghis Khan nor Kubla nor Wrath Of ever conquered Europe or America, so we don’t have to wear that ****. Believe me, we dodged a bullet there, folks. Look at the picture below--it's Disco Lemonade! 1800s - 1900s During this time, Americans and Europeans were wrestling in what they wore every day, although they would sometimes take off their shirts. Abraham Lincoln is famous for this kind of grappling. He emancipated and proclamated about 300 wrestlers and only lost once. (Fig. 7). That’s a pretty amazing record that even Terrence and Phillip Brands can’t match. Lincoln was also a famous President. The problem, though, was that wrestlers wore what they were wearing that day, which means if you were wrestling a pig farmer, your opponent smelt like a pig. A chicken farmer smelt like chicken poo. At that time, Lincoln worked in a store, so he didn’t have that problem, but there was another problem. The modern formulation for deodorant wasn’t patented and manufactured until 1941. The use of it still hasn’t been fully adopted by the French. That means all those fancy historical figures you’ve heard about, including the wrestlers, smelt to high heaven, even good ol’ Honest Abe. EARLY 20TH CENTURY The Japanese developed their own forms of martial arts that included a kind of silly wrestling called Judo and a striking form called Karate. In both instances, the Japanese simply went with a design based on what they had been wearing at the time, the kimono, while making them a little less resistant to tearing. What they came up with was similar to the terry cloth robe you find in the Hyatt Regency so that guests can parade around in them like they’re Howard Hughes or Kanye. They also added trousers to cover up the knees and the naughty bits, and all of this was made of the same fabric you would find on sailing ships. These were not form-fitting outfits because the Japanese thought you should be able to grab your opponent’s clothing to put him or her off balance. The outfits were called “Judogi” and “Karategi.” (Fig. 8). Thankfully, these and rice, never caught on in America except for a few kids who quit Judo at the strip mall the first time they landed on their head. Admit it, the Japanese managed to find the one starch on the planet that has less taste than a potato. THE UNITED STATES PRE-1960S In the United States, it was customary to go shirtless and wear shorts and tights in most wrestling bouts, including college matches. Shirts and tights and shorts came into vogue in the early 1920s, although shirts weren't mandatory. (Fig. 9). In the mid-1960s, the NCAA discovered it had a problem with the male nipple and ordered everyone to cover up their bodies. Think of the children! At that time, singlets came into vogue, at first in tandem with tights, and then without them because tights are rather silly, don’t you think? THE DOUBLET Some crazy people—and they are quite mental—recently decided to go against the singlet and use what they call the doublet. Either a tight-fitting shorts and shirt combo, or a loose-fitting one. This fad probably died when Maryland brought out a loose-fitting doublet combo that looked like sorority sisters in a pillow fight at the Alpha Chi Omega house. “Boys are like so frustrating, let’s have a pillow fight!” (Fig. 10). THE CURRENT AMERICAN SINGLET Made of Lyrca, a miracle fabric, that is washable and stretchy like a human ear or something that stretches really well, the modern American singlet is form-fitting so opponents are less likely to accidentally grab it, while allowing referees a clear view of what is happening, including pins and illegal holds. Singlets are cool, and they are especially cool when emblazoned with the colors and symbols of such American institutions as America or the University of ILLINOIS (Figs. 11-13). And if you think otherwise, you can take your stinking commie, socialist, capitalist opinion and shove it! CONCLUSION So, my friends, you can see that it could’ve been much worse. We don’t have to wrap ourselves in feces, wear disco boots and extension cords, or wear bathrobes stolen from the Hyatt Regency. Instead, we get to wear the powerful and wonderful and functional singlet, which looks awful cool and colorful when it has a printed “USA” or a big “I” or a cursive “Illinois” on it. May God Bless you and the United States of America (but not the Muslims)!

Leg Pass - Delgado Underhook - IMAR Footsweep - Lackey* *I agree that Mocco was the most prolific, what with his Judo background, but quality over quantity, my friends.

Yes, he's an absolute stud! Beat Indiana's starter and a pretty good wrestler in Rooks to win a college tournament this past season. Thing is, he keeps growing. He's got huge LeBron James hands. I have no idea what weight he'll start at or finish up at in college. My guess is training table and lifting during a redshirt year, but Coach Poeta will bring him out to sparkle during a few duals. Same thing with the other Who's #1 recruit, Braeden Scoles. Maybe he can get to 157, but I'm betting on a redshirt. He'll take over 165 after Lil Brawny leaves. The whole class is dynamite, but they'll shine in two years, I think.

ILLINI 125. Justin Cardani or Maximo Renteria 133. Byrd is the Wyrd 141. Danny Pucino 149. Jake Harrier or Anthony Federico 157. Joe Roberts or Anthony Federico or Luke Odom 165. Lil Brawny 174. Edmond Ruth 184. Dylan Connell 197. Thicc Brawny 285. Luke Luffman Luffman coming back from redshirt is a huge plus. Additionally, a lot of the ILLINI need to get bigger for their weight. This is the time to do that. Also, in other news that @VakAttack can take back to the Iowa board, that little Ferrari weirdo is and was charged with ABGEN, which is Assault and Battery General. He will plead to that. He was never charged with ABDOM, which is Assault and Battery, Domestic Violence.

The ILLINI had a beautiful first day of the NCAA tournament, then a very rough second day, but they are trending way up overall. Dual season was a lot better, and all of the qualifiers are back. ILLINOIS will also return bigger and stronger versions of Luke Luffman, Justin Cardani and Joe Roberts from redshirt, and that's on top of a top-notch recruiting class. Since the hiring of Coach Poeta, all of the major program-changing decisions have been bullseyes. STAFF: Added Ed Ruth, IMAR and retained Jeremy Hunter. NIL & STIPENDS: Have elite programs in both of these areas. RECRUITING: Have landed two Who's #1 wrestlers and a bunch of other blue chippers for next season. IRTC: Had a huge year with Zane Richards in Freestyle; Max Nowry, Kamal Bey and Tanner Farmer in Greco. FACILITIES: State of the Art facility is going to go up right about where Emery Parker is standing--

Counting cards gives a person a slight advantage. That's the kind of advantage that could ruin a casino's night. I think that restricting somebody's oxygen intake is at least a slight advantage. I call him the "Gopher Choker." If he doesn't stop, the name, or an even better one, will stick.

Haha! Brawlnagel! I was watching the broadcast and heard (you couldn't see because they had already put up the team standings) Coach Poeta congratulating Zac: "That took so much heart!" I really believe that the toughest man will win 197, and I think Zac Braunagel aka The Brawlnagel aka Thiccc Zac could do it.

Strange upset: #19 Danny Braunagel (ILLINI) over #14 Peyton Hall (WVU). Braunagel beat him during the regular season. Also, I thought that Caleb Fish (MSU) had an upset.

Let me note that Lucas Byrd is 2-1 against Phillipi, and I've said my piece about Latona. Byrd is 16-7 while Kai Orine is 10-10 against common opponents. Last season, Byrd was 5th in the nation. Orine made Round of 16. The year before that Byrd was also 5th, while Orine didn't start for NC State. And the guy who beat Orine 18-4 is 0-2 versus Byrd. I think the members of this supposed jury are smart enough to realize: (1) The Seeding Committee has to take history into account. Otherwise, they will give the third seed to a guy like Aaron Brooks again in the future. (2) Don't seed anybody as high as #5 who has given up 18 points in a match. (3) Use common sense. (4) Lucas Byrd is a wrestler from Ohio, but Byrd wrestles for the University of ILLINOIS. Now, think about that. That does not make sense! Why would a wrestler from Ohio - a 133 pound wrestler - want to live in Champaign with a bunch of ILLINI? That does not make sense! What does that have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! None of this makes sense. If Lucas Byrd wrestles for ILLINOIS, you must acquit!

BYRD v. ORINE In the matter of Byrd v. Orine, the State alleges theft of a seed, and, by way of proof, provides to this supposed jury the following: Kai Orine is seeded #5 at 133 in the NCAA tournament. Lucas Byrd is seeded #10. Kai Orine skipped the ILLINOIS/NC State dual. Orine was available to wrestle twice only six days before the dual with ILLINOIS beating the #27 and #104 wrestlers in three- and two-point decisions. He was available to wrestle in the next team event after the ILLINOIS dual. Ladies and Gentlemen of this supposed jury, he ducked. Lucas Byrd showed up and pinned the NC State backup in 4:34. In terms of records, Lucas Byrd has 13 more wins than the defendant and one less loss. The plaintiff is 28-4, while the defendant has a 15-5 record. Orine has lost to the #51, #39, #4, #17 and #8 wrestlers per wrestlestat.com. Byrd lost to the #9, #7, #15 and #11 wrestlers according to wrestlestat.com. The North Carolina State defendant lost to #4 Michael McGee by the score of 4-18. Lucas Byrd beat that same Michael McGee in the NWCA All-Star match. Orine has a 0.642 RPI according to wrestlestat.com, while Byrd's is at 0.658. Orine's claim to fame is winning a conference that supposedly had a chunked-up 125-pounder as the cream of their crop in Sam Latona. I submit to you, my friends, that Sam Latona would've wrestled at 133 last year if it wasn't for a higher ranked wrestler at Virginia Tech named Korbin Myers, the 4th seed in last year's NCAA tournament. That's the same Korbin Myers who Lucas Byrd was beating 4-2 in last year's tournament when he pinned him. The State rests.

If Maryland made Robin Ficker an honorary matside coach, the NCAA'd have an emergency session to change the rule. Can you imagine 3,000 "Headlock Sheptocks" in seven minutes? Or, 800 "This is appalling, call some stalling"? I'm good with the rule now because Coach Poeta is incredible with his Jedi ways. He simply suggests, "Who is working here?" Or, "What can be done to force some action?" That politely puts the question in the ref's mind, and it seems to be more effective than screaming.

I didn't know that. Cheers!

Ankle bands are very silly. This is especially true for duals. At the BTT when you have multiple teams wearing black singlets, I could dig the armbands idea. With 14 teams, though, somebody will get stuck with turquoise or pink. Another change I'd like to see is padding of some sort--even strips of carpeting--around the mats. Presently, you have wrestling mat or hardwood floor. And the circle is just big enough that wrestlers are about a body-length away from the floor at the edge of the circle. It's too late for Yahya Thomas, but maybe the next guy doesn't hit his head with a loud thud on the basketball court. That was gruesome.

Congratulations to our winners in the B1G Tournament Prop Bet Contest! We had entries on Twitter, on Intermatforums.com, at ILLINOISMatmen.com and in DMs. First prize and two ILLINI Wrestling Blog and Forum and Beyond t-shirts go to Significant ACC Bias on Twitter (nine correct answers and did a slightly better job on the team standings). Second prizes and one t-shirt apiece are hereby awarded to every poster who got at least eight of the prop bets right. These include: FSL ILLINI (9 correct answers but sucked at the team race, ya homer), @ionel on Intermat (9 correct answers but didn't have a tie breaker with team standings), @Mr. PeanutButter on Intermat (8 correct answers, got first four teams right in team standings) and Fighting Scot on ILLINOISMatmen (8 correct answers but did a brilliant job on the team race). A reminder of what the prop bets were: 1. Spencer Lee will get a first-period pinfall in his first match at the 2023 B1G tournament (No, he did not.) 2. A team point will be deducted from Iowa's score during the 2023 B1G tournament (No, somehow Terrence and Phillip managed not to give up a team point.) blah, blah, blah 8. During broadcast of the finals, the cameras will catch a nervous coach with his finger in his nose (This was close. Tom Brands went to his nose multiple times during the Spencer Lee interview, but didn't have penetration. Also, the PSU coaching staff during the Haines match had their hands cupped around their mouths the whole time, but you couldn't tell if they dug for gold. I suspect they did, but have no proof. Clever fellows!) [NOTA BENE: I actually won $100 during a Super Bowl with this bet. The wager was that one of the coaches would go spelunking for a clingberry during the last five minutes of the game, and dadgumit!, Bill Cowher came through for me! I don't recall which Super Bowl it was, but if you watch the replay of the last five minutes, Coach is knuckle deep. What can I say, it was a close game.] If you're interested, the rest of the post is here at The ILLINI Wrestling Blog and Forum and Beyond.

Michael Blockhus. My secret fetish over the last couple of years has been to go to The Guillotine and lurk while watching the posters (and trolls) denigrate Blockhus. It's not as bad as the Iowa fans (and trolls) denigrate Warnerov, but expectations for Jacob were and are a little higher. Still, my friends, this Blockhus lad was trying hard; he's just a little clumsy. But he had a nice year this year, and then he made it to the Big Ten finals (some credit to Austin Gomez here) and showed that he can beat anybody at the weight. My opinion of him goes from slightly-above-average-but-tough B1G plodder to highly-skilled and motivated wrestler who can beat anybody at his weight. That's a pretty big jump in perception for a guy who's been around a minute.

As an example, the kid from Rider who got Pucino's bid lost in the MAC tournament to a guy Danny beat 4-1. Then the Rider kid medical forfeited out of the MAC tournament. The Rider lad also lost to a 5-4 wrestler by tech fall, got beaten by Rutger's backup 133 pounder, lost to multiple people who didn't make the NCAA tournament, and the only person I could identify him beating who earned an auto bid is a guy Pucino pinned, while Danny beat two other qualifiers and had a much more difficult schedule. Yes, I am pissed and ... I dissent.

The whole body of work counts. Pucino beat him in the dual. Tell me who you think had a better case for an At-Large bid at 141 (besides Cael Happel). That way I have a target to shoot down. I've put up Danny's numbers and case already: Danny Pucino, 141, University of ILLINOIS. Before the B1G tournament, he had a 13-7 record against D1 competition. He was #24 in both the RPI and Coaches' Poll. Solidly within the benchmarks. He's Italian. He has beaten the following wrestlers already in the field: Northwestern's Frankie Tal-Shahar (5th BTT), Purdue's Parker Filius (4th BTT), and Kal Miller of Maryland (9th BTT). Additionally, he beat Javion Jones of NIU (3rd MAC) head to head, and Jones will be in the 141 at large pool. This was by a solid 4-1 score. Six of his nine losses are to wrestlers who are currently top twelve in the weight at wrestlestat.com. His two worst losses are to fellows who won auto bids to the NCAA Tournament (Miller, 9th at BTT; Zargo, 7th at BTT). His drawback is not placing in the BTT in the spot right after the auto qualifier (10th).

I am not happy with 141. Seems like a "spread the wealth" formula determined the bids. Cael Happel and three from the B1G should've been the call: Pucino, Mattin and Oliveri. Instead, only Mattin from the conference.

Agree with this 100%, especially when it comes to tournaments. As for 141, I think the Italians are in. Both Danny Pucino and Joey Oliveri had good RPI and Ranking slots. There are only four At-Large bids at the weight, so it will be close. Carl Happel, Saul Ervin, Cole Martin, Darren Miller, Javion Jones and Dylan Droegemueller are some of the others in the Matrix. For anybody looking for answers about their favorite wrestler, a good place to start is Pirate's "Police Blotter," which shows who earned an allocation and didn't get the spot.

You state a great case, especially about his name. In fact, that's such a great name I fact checked to make sure he's real. He is. He even made Round of 16 and Round of 12 the last two years. Pretty impressive! He has six "L MFORs" this year, though. If he can get a note from his doctor, he's in.

Burwick came within one match of wrestling Taylor Lamont in the BTT 9th place bracket, or as the Bible calls it, "The Apocalypse." Okay. I'm sold. He's in.

If you've never been beaten by Yianni Diakomihalis or Spencer Lee, and you like piña coladas and aren't much into health food, you're in. Meet me at a bar called O'Malley's where we'll plan your escape, takedown and pinfalls. But when you get to the bar, you will be shocked to find out that I am your wife!

What wrestler on your favorite team deserves an At-Large bid? Why do you say that? I hope that Pirate shows up with his "numbers" and "science" and "facts" and "logic" like he has in the past, but until then, who ya got? I'll go first. Danny Pucino, 141, University of ILLINOIS. Before the B1G tournament, he had a 13-7 record against D1 competition. He was #24 in both the RPI and Coaches' Poll. Solidly within the benchmarks. He's Italian. He has beaten the following wrestlers already in the field: Northwestern's Frankie Tal-Shahar (5th BTT), Purdue's Parker Filius (4th BTT), and Kal Miller of Maryland (9th BTT). Additionally, he beat Javion Jones of NIU (3rd MAC) head to head, and Jones will be in the 141 at large pool. This was by a solid 4-1 score. Six of his nine losses are to wrestlers who are currently top twelve in the weight at wrestlestat.com. His two worst losses are to fellows who won auto bids to the NCAA Tournament (Miller, 9th at BTT; Zargo, 7th at BTT). His drawback is not placing in the BTT in the spot right after the auto qualifier (10th).

Are you suggesting his nickname should be "The Gopher Choker," and that refs should be on the lookout for it in the future?